Nathan Birnbaum

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

At my age flowers scare me.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.